Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
