I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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