I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
