There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
