I think my fart just growled at me.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize