Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
