Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize