I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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