I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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