i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
