i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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