Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
