He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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