There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
