I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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