It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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