Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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