He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
