what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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