I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
