I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Randomize
