Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
