I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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