a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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