in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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