There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
