I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
