Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
