We named our party play list daddy issues
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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