someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
