I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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