hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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