sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
