I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
