dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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