I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
