Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
