How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
