terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
