I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
