shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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