remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
