So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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