Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
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