but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
