"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize