I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
