I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
