i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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