he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
