Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
