I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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