just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
