im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
