Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize