I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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