i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
