Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
