Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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