I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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