I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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