I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
