Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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