I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
